Dimitri the Lover: SideMan Exposed

In my book The Dirty Seven: Ladies Beware, I list the seven types of men on the dating scene, who are dead ends as lovers, mates, or husbands. They are actively seeking a relationship with you, but are unable to sustain a happy one, for you. SideMan is one example.

SideMan is already in a relationship with someone else, and he either tells you about it up-front, or allows you to discover it on your own. If he tells you about it, he says he and his wife/live-in girlfriend live separate lives and they don't have sex. If he does not tell you, and you discover it, he says "I didn't tell you because I didn't want to lose you."

SideMen are abundant. They are looking for variety. A little something on the side. To spice up their day. Let's take the example of Canada's infamous Dimitri the Lover. He was a physician who came on to his female patients and lost his license as a result. Here is his explanation:

"At the time, I was married. And my wife was sexually dysfunctional, I had not had sex with her in a year and a half. It was a very tough time, I was very horned up. And I was busy, between that and working, so for me it was easy to hit on chicks that were patients."

Let's dissect his statement. He had not had sex with his wife for a year and a half. He blames his wife for this, not reflecting on how he contributed to the situation. Instead of attempting to fix the problem at home, he points the finger at the "dysfunctional" wife. As a physician, the only solution he could find was to get it on with women on the side.

"It was a tough time because I was very horned up." This is a plea for pity. We are supposed to feel sorry for him. This makes it all right that he abused the presumed relationship of trust between a doctor and a patient. But he was busy, so we should understand.

"And I was busy, between that and working . . ." Between what and working? Between being horned up and working? Too busy to sustain a mutually fulfilling relationship with someone I'm married to, or get out. So I will get off on the convenient slab of flesh at hand, my captive audience. Hey, it happens to be a patient who is depending on my services as an ethical practitioner. But I'm strapped for time and my horny little Willy is calling. Can't you idiots understand that?

". . . so for me it was easy to hit on chicks that were patients." Yes, it was easy. Some were ill and vulnerable. Besides, these patients were "chicks." What an educated, enlightened way to refer to the piece of meat you are hitting on because you are so horned up. Chicks and bulls. The poetry of the SideMan cannot be surpassed. He will bring you flowers too. But remember, you are always the action on the side to the SideMan.

Flavor of Lust 3

"Looking for Love in all the Wrong Places," might be the sub-title for VH1's show "Flavor of Love 3." As with "Rock of Love 2," this show's premise is that the star will find true love amidst a flurry of exposed breasts, mini skirts, and attention-getting tactics. Loud-mouthed self-aggrandizement and abject hero-worship make the contestants sillier and sillier each season. It's a mistake to think that the show has anything to do with love at all. That's one of the things that makes it funny.

Flavor Flav is a humorous guy, who seems to be in on the joke. Part of the fun is that he looks like a sea-monkey who needs re-hydration, while the girls are fawning all over him. Part of the fun is the absurd idea that love is based on contests of wit, skill, and exposed flesh. Did I say "wit?" There isn't much displayed. Lack of intelligence makes the show a comedy. Lack of emotional intelligence makes it a symbol for what is not working in today's dating and mating scene.

On the last episode, the mean-spirited "roast," in which the girls denigrated each other on stage, nobody came out looking good. At the end of the show, Flavor Flav announces, "One clock, two bodies left." He refers to the women as "bodies." Very appropriate. He bestows the clock on the winning "body" and the loser goes off shattered.

Nobody's relating on any level other than the most superficial. The women are willing to plunge their tongues into his mouth, rub up against him, and claim that he is their man. They are willing to say cutting and cruel things about each other to bolster their value in his eyes. It's the survival of the nastiest.

The fact that this is Flavor Flav's third attempt to find love this way is a statement in itself about the effectiveness of this method for finding a mate.

Rock of Lust 2

I love the entertaining craziness displayed on VH1's Rock of Love 2. Of course, it gives me lots of fodder for discussing what is twisted with the way our culture fantasizes about finding "true love."

The goal of developing mature, deep devotion on a "reality show" is as unreal as the bolted-on, half-cantaloupe fun-bags sported by most of the participants. Bret Michaels, the recipient of all the adulation and attention, is unreal too, with his heavily applied eyeliner and bandana'ed wig.

Here is the formula: Put 15 publicity obsessed media-hoes together and see if one can be the most self-debasing Barbie in the group. Strip, wash Bret's motorcycle with toothbrushes, strip some more, go on theme-dates such as rodeos and paint-ball battles, strip some more, vie with each other to make the least intelligent pronouncements, and strip some more.

At the end of the parade of open-mouth kissing and more exposed udders than a barnyard of milk-cows, Bret will find his life's mate! I love it because it demonstrates what I propose: How pathetically shallow and inept "dating" is as a means for making the deep connection that we know as true love.

On dates, even off TV, people are on their best behavior. Love is not about how people behave on dates. It's about how people behave when they have taken off their party hats and masks. It is about being able to live with a person on a daily basis, not just riding a Mazerati on a racetrack or jumping out of an airplane. (Sorry, that was Flavor of Love 3, which I will cover in another discussion.)

Of course dating is fun. But let's not confuse it with the complex give and take of a solid love relationship. Nevertheless, Rock of Love 2 is as hilarious as comedy can get.