Is it love or just drama and pain?

We choose partners that reflect the things that we believe about ourselves. If you carry negative ideas about yourself, love, and relationships, your partners will mirror these and create a self-fulfilling prophecy.

We adjust and accommodate and in some instances even enable our partners to keep doing their painful behavior. If you habitually choose emotionally unavailable people and find regularly find yourself in poor relationships with poor mate material, no matter what you say and believe, you too are emotionally unavailable and you choose people who yield the least likely possibility for a healthy, positive relationship.

Emotionally available people don’t habitually get involved with The Dirty Seven and when they do find themselves involved with them, they back away because it doesn’t feel healthy, comfortable, or right.

We say we want to be committed and we want to be loved, yet we choose people who can barely commit to seeing us the following week and who don’t actually love us.

And this is where some of you will become confused because:

1) You believe that you love them.

2) You believe that they love you but they just don't know it, or they love you but they're too afraid to show it, or they loves you because they tell you that they do even though their actions say different.

3) You believe that you have an amazing connection and this is your destiny because the sex is great/he’s funny with a great sense of humor, no-one’s ever made you feel like this before, etc.

4) You feel that you love them and if you feel this way then surely they should appreciate how much you feel for them and love you back because you have projected how you think and feel on them and you believe that you are the best they've ever had.

5) You believe you can do enough loving for the both of you and that in time, they will realize it and you’ll love happily ever after.

Pain is the opposite of love But pain is not love. It's the opposite of live. It’s just pain. So and don’t mix the two up and think that you’re suffering for your love and that only real, passionate love is painful, because quite frankly, there are many people who would pass on putting themselves through this pain.

Fear and drama
Much of the pain stems from fear and drama and we mistake our feelings of fear and penchant for drama as love, because we have poor relationship habits that have been learned over an extended period of time, often from childhood. This means that our behavior and desires may seem completely normal and even familiar as we can be playing out subconscious patterns.

Patterns What you learn though as you become aware of your relationship habits and harness your pattern is that if we don’t address how we feel about ourselves, love, and relationships we end up with a very skewed idea of what love is.

1) You learn to accept crumbs, feeling grateful for slivers of attention from people who are unworthy of your energy.

2) You convince yourself that what you’re getting is what you deserve or it must be what you want, because surely if you didn’t want this person and this relationship then you could walk away?

3) You believe that the magnitude of pain that you experience is in direct correlation to the amount of love you have, thus the more pain you feel, the more in love you believe yourself to be.

4) You convince yourself that you’re not good enough to expect or get more and that a better relationship will elude you.

5) You believe that because you have such poor experiences and that time is passing that you must ’settle’.

6) You become obsessed with getting attention from these people and aren’t concerned with the quality of attention so you end up with drama, either sought out or thrown in your direction.

7) You become co-dependent. The very person who is on one hand the very source of your pain also appears to be the sole source of your happiness. You can’t seem to function without them and you believe it’s because of your love when in actual fact it’s because of fear.

8) You think that the butterflies in your stomach that you get around these people is excitement and passion when in actual fact, when you have a habit of being with the same poor partners, it’s familiar fear.

9) You expend so much mental energy thinking about them, what you think they feel and do, what you think you do and feel, and betting on potential that you lose sight of the reality of them and become obsessed and infatuated with an illusion.

Fake love and passion Many of the dysfunctional things that happen in poor relationships are easy to tag as ‘love" and "passion" but it is important to remember that reality becomes distorted in poor relationships . If you don’t reconcile who you think you love with the reality of who they are and the relationship you have, you will fail to process that feeling of drama and fear for what they are - fear and drama - and as long as you are doing this, you will continue to fall into a cycle of poor relationships that result in similar experiences.

The drama and the fear
Fear and drama make you dependent on surrounding yourselves in experiences and factors that make it more comfortable for you to believe that this is how things are. Fear causes inaction and we end up being comfortable with the pattern of the very uncomfortable, because it seems far more uncomfortable to make positive changes that will not only make us accountable for our own happiness (or misery), but will throw the spotlight on where we are expending our emotional energy and reveal some uncomfortable truths.

Familiar pain
If you have been involved with the type of people who yield poor experiences on a habitual basis, there will be many familiar things about what you’re experiencing and that’s a sign in itself that not only is something very wrong, but you’re actually gravitating to patterns that you can recreate over and over again, and that’s not love when it ends up causing you so much pain, fear, and drama.

The test of all this is if you develop a healthier relationship with yourself which will result in healthier beliefs about love and relationships, will you still want them? Will you still love them? Or will you finally realize that you haven’t experienced love yet - you’ve just experienced pain.

For more info: See my books, The Dirty Seven: Ladies Beware and Booby Trapped: Men Beware the Dirty Seven Sisters.

Advice: Being good at sex

"I’m 39 and have not had sex for 8 years. Before that I had only a few sex partners, though one in my early twenties was my partner of 3 years. In my mid twenties I explored my sexuality and had relationships with women. Since my late twenties I have ‘come back’ to heterosexuality, though it has always seemed more in my mind than anything else because I have not had a relationship nor sex for 6 years.

"A bad break up kept me out of the game for a long time but since I’ve moved on from that I just haven’t met anyone I’ve liked and wanted to pursue a sexual relationship with. As a result, my self-esteem has taken a dive in recent years. I have had people interested in me during this time but I haven’t felt the same. However, I met someone 2 weeks ago, It was never going to be a serious relationship, he is much younger (27) and we have very little in common but we liked each other, so why not have some fun.

"We had sex for the first time on Fri and it was a disaster. I had not prepared myself (nor him!) for the fact that I would be so out of practice, inexperienced and not very good at all! It was embarrassing and a bit of a shock to me but I’ve since tried to get my head around it - of course I’m not going to be the great lover I imagined with so little practice under my belt! However, I’m now struggling with self esteem again.

"When I begin a new relationship, not only am I going to be thinking about the usual - am I interesting? Am I funny? But now - what happens when he discovers I’m terrible in bed and totally inexperienced? Obviously the way to get better at something is to practice but I’ve never slept around, picked up guys in bars. etc. The only sexual relationships I’ve had have been with people I care deeply about.

"During sex last Friday, the main problem for me was keeping the rhythm going so that we were moving together, I’d suddenly lose the pace or rhythm. Neither of us came and it was embarrassing. So, this may seem a ridiculous question but how can I get better at it without having to put myself through this embarrassing time after time. Is there anything I can practice on my own or do with the person I’m in bed with to help me? (He held my hips to help me move with him but it still didn’t work).

"A loving and understanding partner to help me, would obviously be the ideal solution, but in the absence of that is there anything I could do practically while I’m not in a relationship - other than sleeping around - or anything I can read that will help me? I’m open to any help and suggestions. Thanks, xxxxxxxxxx"

My Advice:
1. You have only known this guy for two weeks. If you are the type of person (like many) that needs to get to know someone and feel connected, before you sexually respond, two weeks is not enough time. Combine this with the apprehension you must have felt after not being in bed with anyone for a while and it’s no wonder that you wound up in your uncomfortable situation.

2. Rhythm is not always an automatic thing. You both need to find a rhythm that works for each other. If he gets caught up in his own rhythm instead of falling into yours, of course you will become mismatched as you try to catch up. Connected, comfortable, passionate, sex requires patience, sometimes. It also requires attraction. If the attraction isn't there, then why even bother? You will be using each other as human blow-up dolls.

3. Do you understand what you like during sex? While you may not have had much experience, it doesn’t stop you from knowing what turns you on. Tell the person you are in bed with what you like.

4. If you have to work that hard at it, it is obvious to me that you have not met the right person. This is because when you are truly interested and are in love with that person, all the questions about right and wrong technique fly out the window. You just want to be with them physically and your movements become natural as you enjoy yourself with them.

When it comes to being with someone, I suggest -
1. Take your time before you have sex. You are a person that needs to have sex with someone she knows and feels at ease with. Just having sex for fun, as you did the other night, is not your style, so no wonder it didn't work
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2. Tell you sex partner that it’s been a while and to take their time. They’ll probably be turned on by this.

3. Have fun with foreplay. This again comes naturally when you really like a person. However, if you are going through the motions because you think this is what you should do, it won't work either.

4. Relax. When you give off tense vibes is kills the sexual pleasure for both.

5. Maybe you like women better and that is why sex with a man does not come naturally to you.

If your self-esteem is tied to your sexual abilities, you’re putting yourself in an awkward position. You won't have good sex because you are so worried about how bad you are in bed. Then you will be bad in bed and your self-esteem will plummet further. Then you will be afraid next time the sexual opportunity crops up.

I realize that the reason you haven't had sex for a long time is because you are recovering from a break-up. But you can set yourself free from past relationships, have closure, and move on. This will give you the freedom to enjoy yourself--with or without sex, with a man, or possibly in your case, a woman. And it may just be that: Being with a man does not turn you on and therefore it is a struggle instead of your natural instinct taking over.

When, when, when?: Hoping and Waiting for the Right One

A lady confided to me, "I used to be into selfish and emotionally unavailable men. I stopped dating them after reading your book, The Dirty Seven: Ladies Beware. But can you tell me why I haven’t met a decent guy yet or when I’m going to meet him? I’m starting to lose hope."

Worry vibes
Because of the ways the rules of attraction work, if you are constantly worried about not meeting a good mate, you will be sending out vibrations of worry and desperation. What kind of men are attracted by worried and desperate women? The types that take advantage of this weakness. Or who may be as worried and insecure as you are. Or who will get tired of your emotionally clinging needs.

Center of your universe
Therefore, It is time to stop making men the focal point of your universe. However, sometimes it takes time and patience. And just because you have done well spending a few days by yourself without a man, don't expect instant results. Until you are really clear on who you are without the prop of a man, Mr. Wonderful will not come into your life.

You're top priority
You must trust in yourself and believe that you are a top priority, build your self-esteem, and create a life driven by you full of positivity. Then, at some point, you’ll meet someone who will be drawn into your circle of love like a magnet. And they will love you because of who you are, not be the object of a clinging, needy, emotionally scattered mess.

Love yourself
Focus on enjoying your life, getting healthy and strong, and loving yourself. If you meet a guy, fine. But don't lose your mind or life over him. People who are truly committed to having a higher self-esteem, do not base it on a man or a relationship. They can validate themselves and not depend on others to do it.

Mirrors of ourselves
In relationships, you choose or engage with men that reflect the things that you believe about yourself, love, and relationships. This is why it’s important to value yourself and your life. You need to know when to let go of bad investments so that you don’t waste time. And you need to ensure that you’re doing things that benefit you and make you feel good.

Be happy
If you’ve been spending a significant portion of your life in relationships, that make you unhappy, it’s time for you to change. Start by not placing all of your happiness in the hands of The Dirty Seven, or hoping for a man that hasn't shown up yet. Get happy now!

The 4 Rules of Attraction

How do I attract someone into my life? When it comes to sex and relationships, "attraction" means different things to different people. Some women find the bad boys with problems attractive, some men find the cute little silly girls attractive. Those things are a matter of taste and cannot be fully explained. But here are some general rules that can make a difference:

Appearance
Look like you care about it. You don't have to be Halle Berry or Tyson Beckford, but look like you care about yourself. As good a person as you are inside, the exterior is what most of us notice first. If people pass on you because you are wearing dirty, torn sweats and have unwashed hair--they never will get to know the great person you know you are.

Attractive looks will only take you or your mate so far, of course. If the only reason you are with a person is because they look good to you and nothing else, the attraction will get old and die of its own accord. But it makes sense to make an effort with your appearance, because it shows you care about yourself. At least cover the basics:

--Hair groomed (no dandruff all over your shoulders)
--Clean teeth (no spinach, meat, or gunk between your teeth)
--Fresh breath (do not smell like a week-old pizza with all the toppings)
--Clean clothes (BO is not a turn-on for most)

Other items are "in the eye of the beholder." For example, a guy wearing dress socks with sandals and shorts turns me off because it looks like he is clueless. But he might remind another woman of her father and she loves that feeling. Or, I might learn that he is clueless about clothes but knows how to take care of a woman in all respects.

Vibration and Energy
A positive outlook will draw in people that reflect the positive things that you feel about yourself and life. All of life is about vibrations and energy. Sex and relationships are no different. If you want to be attractive to people who want to live the same positive life you want, you radiate that positivity first. I don't mean be Pollyanna from Joyland, just optimistic, inspiring, and someone it is uplifting to be with.

Security within yourself
Find a way to be secure and grounded. Needy, desperate people telegraph these vibes. It is not attractive to see a clingy, insecure, person who fears being alone. It’s not attractive to place the responsibility for your happiness on one person and get it solely from them.

Don't Front
We all have a tendency to put on our party manners during the dating period, but the reality is that the ongoing attraction is created by getting to know the real you. Don’t pretend and start acting happier than you actually feel--your vibrations will betray you.

Mr. Right Now instead of Mr. Right

"I want Mr. Right eventually, but for the time being, I've got needs, and Mr. Right Now will do just fine," says one young woman. But does this hurt her in the long run?

Emotions
I say yes. The way women are constructed makes it emotionally difficult for them to hit and run in the bedroom. The author Laura Sessions Stepp wrote a book on the subject: Unhooked: How Young Women Pursue Sex, Delay Love and Lose at Both. She says "The way chemicals are released in the brain during intercourse is very different in men and women.

Oxytocin and testosterone
"In women, oxytocin is released. It's a chemical that makes women want to nurture their young and stay close. Men get a huge jolt of testosterone, which suppresses oxytocin, and that's nature's way of saying, 'Leave the nest and go sire offspring somewhere else.' So when women think they can have sex and walk away just like guys do, they're having to suppress thousands of years of evolution that tells them to cuddle, stay in bed, and look forward to tomorrow. When they get up and walk out, they feel depressed and don't know why."

Different design
Women, because they are the bearers and nurturers of children, are not designed by nature to have casual sex and feel all right about it. That is may be why alcohol-consumption rates are going up in women. They are taking part in these one-night-stand sexual encounters, believing they should be strong about it. And they' do it over and over again. At some point it denies their own biology and desires, so they drink in order to prepare for it, because it's not what they want to do. And they drink to dull the pain of the day after.

Risks
Casual sex has the well-known risks of sexually transmitted diseases but another risk is depression. Surveys show that, due to oxytocin, the shorter a relationship, the more likely it is for depression to be the aftermath.

Casual sex may make later relationships more difficult, particularly if it becomes a pattern. As Stepp says, "Trust is elusive. You don't learn how to trust someone; you don't learn how to treat someone in a caring way. And I think if you don't get to practice those things, it's going to be harder down the road to have a successful relationship or marriage."

So, sure, go out and find a man who turns you on and have fun with him, but don't hook up with him so soon. Wait until you know him better. The sex will be better too.

Finding Love: Why am I Still Single?

You feel like you have so much to offer in a relationship but have yet to find one deserving of your love. Or maybe you thought you’d found someone only to realize that they were only a fantasy - and not what you desired at all.

Before you even think about starting a relationship, work on yourself. So many people are looking for a relationship hoping it will fix whatever is wrong with them. They are needy and want someone to fill the void they are unable to fill for themselves.

Be happy within yourself
The first step toward having a great relationship is finding happiness - alone. Being happy isn’t just about the feeling great because you just got a good deal at the Shop Rite. Happiness is being truly content with your life and the direction it’s going. It’s important to find this happiness before entering a relationship because, if you’re not happy before the relationship, you’ll look to the relationship as a cure for that unhappiness. In my book, Booby Trapped: Men Beware the Dirty Seven Sisters, I discuss Needee Nellie: The girl who is a clingy, emotional black hole of need.

Lose the friend with benefits
Get rid of the friends with benefits, f-buddies, booty calls etc. Those semi-relationships are repellants to new love and to happiness. They keep you stuck in the same circumstance of pseudo-intimacy, discourage new thoughts and ideas, and most of all, they keep you stuck in a place of non-commtiment. They tell the universe and yourself that you don't want and you don't deserve anything better.

Don't be bored
Find something to do with your free time. One of the worst things you can do, as a single person, is be bored with nothing to do. It’s during this idle time that you find yourself texting someone you shouldn’t be texting, emailing someone you shouldn’t be emailing or calling someone whose number you should have deleted. It’s also during this time that one tends to desire companionship the most - you begin to feel like you’re bored because you don’t have someone - when really, you’re bored because you’re not doing anything. Take up hobby you always said you were going to do but never got around to - maybe it was photography, maybe a writing poetry, body building, hiking - whatever it is - now’s the time to dive into it. Not only will you find yourself thinking less and less about being alone, but you’ll also become a more well-rounded person.

Help others
Make time to do something someone less fortunate - You’d be amazed at how quickly you forget about whatever’s going on (or not going on in your life) when you take the time to care about someone else’s needs. So whether you decided to join Big Brothers/Big Sisters, or whether you volunteer at a women’s shelter, at a homeless shelter, animal shelter- whatever it is, it’ll go a long way in reminding you of how blessed and fortunate you are as there’s always someone who has it worse.

Those four things will get you started. It’s important to make those things indelible characteristics of your everyday life. They may seem unrelated to finding Mr. or Ms. Right, but from what I’ve experienced, it’s not so much about finding Mr. or Ms. Right as much as it’s about putting yourself in a place - personally - to create the right relationship.

Once you’ve incorporated these principles into your everyday life, it’s time to sit down and think about what you want in a relationship. This is one of the most common steps we miss in our quests for love. If you don't specify what you want, you may settle for any old thing. When you know what you want, it is much easier to recognize it when you find it.

Finding Mr. or Ms. Right isn’t about going into a crowded club searching through dozens and dozens of people for the right one, it’s about creating a situation in your life, where the right one, is attracted into it.