Is it love or just drama and pain?

We choose partners that reflect the things that we believe about ourselves. If you carry negative ideas about yourself, love, and relationships, your partners will mirror these and create a self-fulfilling prophecy.

We adjust and accommodate and in some instances even enable our partners to keep doing their painful behavior. If you habitually choose emotionally unavailable people and find regularly find yourself in poor relationships with poor mate material, no matter what you say and believe, you too are emotionally unavailable and you choose people who yield the least likely possibility for a healthy, positive relationship.

Emotionally available people don’t habitually get involved with The Dirty Seven and when they do find themselves involved with them, they back away because it doesn’t feel healthy, comfortable, or right.

We say we want to be committed and we want to be loved, yet we choose people who can barely commit to seeing us the following week and who don’t actually love us.

And this is where some of you will become confused because:

1) You believe that you love them.

2) You believe that they love you but they just don't know it, or they love you but they're too afraid to show it, or they loves you because they tell you that they do even though their actions say different.

3) You believe that you have an amazing connection and this is your destiny because the sex is great/he’s funny with a great sense of humor, no-one’s ever made you feel like this before, etc.

4) You feel that you love them and if you feel this way then surely they should appreciate how much you feel for them and love you back because you have projected how you think and feel on them and you believe that you are the best they've ever had.

5) You believe you can do enough loving for the both of you and that in time, they will realize it and you’ll love happily ever after.

Pain is the opposite of love But pain is not love. It's the opposite of live. It’s just pain. So and don’t mix the two up and think that you’re suffering for your love and that only real, passionate love is painful, because quite frankly, there are many people who would pass on putting themselves through this pain.

Fear and drama
Much of the pain stems from fear and drama and we mistake our feelings of fear and penchant for drama as love, because we have poor relationship habits that have been learned over an extended period of time, often from childhood. This means that our behavior and desires may seem completely normal and even familiar as we can be playing out subconscious patterns.

Patterns What you learn though as you become aware of your relationship habits and harness your pattern is that if we don’t address how we feel about ourselves, love, and relationships we end up with a very skewed idea of what love is.

1) You learn to accept crumbs, feeling grateful for slivers of attention from people who are unworthy of your energy.

2) You convince yourself that what you’re getting is what you deserve or it must be what you want, because surely if you didn’t want this person and this relationship then you could walk away?

3) You believe that the magnitude of pain that you experience is in direct correlation to the amount of love you have, thus the more pain you feel, the more in love you believe yourself to be.

4) You convince yourself that you’re not good enough to expect or get more and that a better relationship will elude you.

5) You believe that because you have such poor experiences and that time is passing that you must ’settle’.

6) You become obsessed with getting attention from these people and aren’t concerned with the quality of attention so you end up with drama, either sought out or thrown in your direction.

7) You become co-dependent. The very person who is on one hand the very source of your pain also appears to be the sole source of your happiness. You can’t seem to function without them and you believe it’s because of your love when in actual fact it’s because of fear.

8) You think that the butterflies in your stomach that you get around these people is excitement and passion when in actual fact, when you have a habit of being with the same poor partners, it’s familiar fear.

9) You expend so much mental energy thinking about them, what you think they feel and do, what you think you do and feel, and betting on potential that you lose sight of the reality of them and become obsessed and infatuated with an illusion.

Fake love and passion Many of the dysfunctional things that happen in poor relationships are easy to tag as ‘love" and "passion" but it is important to remember that reality becomes distorted in poor relationships . If you don’t reconcile who you think you love with the reality of who they are and the relationship you have, you will fail to process that feeling of drama and fear for what they are - fear and drama - and as long as you are doing this, you will continue to fall into a cycle of poor relationships that result in similar experiences.

The drama and the fear
Fear and drama make you dependent on surrounding yourselves in experiences and factors that make it more comfortable for you to believe that this is how things are. Fear causes inaction and we end up being comfortable with the pattern of the very uncomfortable, because it seems far more uncomfortable to make positive changes that will not only make us accountable for our own happiness (or misery), but will throw the spotlight on where we are expending our emotional energy and reveal some uncomfortable truths.

Familiar pain
If you have been involved with the type of people who yield poor experiences on a habitual basis, there will be many familiar things about what you’re experiencing and that’s a sign in itself that not only is something very wrong, but you’re actually gravitating to patterns that you can recreate over and over again, and that’s not love when it ends up causing you so much pain, fear, and drama.

The test of all this is if you develop a healthier relationship with yourself which will result in healthier beliefs about love and relationships, will you still want them? Will you still love them? Or will you finally realize that you haven’t experienced love yet - you’ve just experienced pain.

For more info: See my books, The Dirty Seven: Ladies Beware and Booby Trapped: Men Beware the Dirty Seven Sisters.

Why women need cuddling

I have hear men complain that they don't understand why women always want to cuddle. One man asks: "What is it with all this cuddling my girlfriend wants to do? I don't understand the whole idea about cuddling." 

Cuddling releases pair-bonding hormone
Lots of men don't understand why women like to cuddle. But they need to understand that the act of cuddling releases a hormone calledoxytocin, sometimes called the "cuddling hormone.” Oxytocin is responsible for pair bonding, which means it makes the cuddling couple feel closer and more intimate. It helps to create a bond between a man and a woman. 

Survival
In survival terms, a woman wants to create this pair bond in order to get the man to commit to her and their offspring. Even if your woman isn’t trying to marry you and start bearing your babies, she is likely still drawn to create an emotional bond with you and this kind of physical intimacy is a good way to do it.

Men's brain chemicals
The reason men don't cuddle that much relates to the hormones men's brains release after sex. As a man has an orgasm, a variety of brain chemicals are released including the hormone prolactin. Prolactin has a strong connection to sleep so its presence is probably responsible for a man’s tendency to roll over and go to sleep after sex. The release of prolactin also indicates the beginning of the “recovery time” that men have to take before having sex again. Women often don’t require any such time-out after having an orgasm.

Feel-good hormones
Oxytocin is released in men's brains, just as it is in the female brain, along with other feel-good hormones that will leave you feeling happy and less stressed. A 2006 study by the Berman Center for Women's Health in Chicago showed that couples who regularly indulge in spontaneous, non-sexual physical affection are more satisfied with their relationships. 

So cuddle if you would like your woman to feel closely connected and peaceful with you. You will see the benefits in terms of increased sexual satisfaction as she appreciates you more for understanding her cuddling needs.

 

Why are Some Couples so Happy?

You love each other. Isn't that enough? Being happy with each other should be easy. Obviously, just loving each other it isn't enough. If you take a look at the divorce rate, which is 50% and some say as high as 60% after the first two years, love may not be enough at all.

Yet some couples are clearly much happier than others. I read through many of articles on how couples stay happy, here are the common denominators:

Be in love: Make a conscious decision to be in love. That means show that you are, instead of letting the daily grind take over. Take some time to show your continuing romantic feelings.

Let the good times roll: Treat your partner like you did at the beginning of your relationship. Make time to have fun together and not just do everything that needs to be done for the house, work, and taking care of business.

Express yourself: Make your partner feel secure in your love so they can open up to you and express feelings and ideas without fear of being attacked or judged. Otherwise they shut down because they fear you will come at them with an argument or hurt feelings and the silent treatment.

Be with them when you are with them: Keep your mind in the moment -- not at work, thinking about the person who gave you a hard time at work, or all the work you could be getting done while you are just enjoying time with your partner. I'm sure you have been to a restaurant where the gentleman is on the cell phone the whole dinner, while his lovely lady is sitting there staring off into space. Or the reverse can be true. It happens enough now. You are with him or her, not talking to your friends or doing business.

Keep looking good: Take the time to stay in shape and look good for each other. It does matter. Sometimes people think they can slack off once they are in a relationship. They stop shaving, don't wash, wear ill-fitting clothes. This can take its toll on romance.

Enjoy each other's differences: Unhappy couples focus on the ways they are different. Happy couples focus on their similarities and think their differences are interesting. Allow each other to be individuals and don't expect to be siamese twins with the same opinions and favorite activities.

Find solutions instead of blame: Problem-solve together, and in a loving way solve your problems together instead of pointing fingers at each other and getting out all your ammunition for the big war.

Get it on: Make time for sex or it will be swamped by all the stuff you need to do to survive, take care of business, and just maintain your life.

Tell it like it is: Don't expect to read each others' minds. Always clear up misunderstandings to make sure they don't throw you both off course.

Time out: Me-time is good. Even in the closest relationship, everyone needs time alone. Don't make each other feel guilty if you need to spend time alone or with your friends.

All of the above should be easy, right? But like the Ten Commandments, they are easy but many people find them difficult to follow. However, there is no doubt that if people would pay attention to these precepts, the happiness rate would go up and the strife in relationships would go down. The divorce rate would go down and children would not have to deal with the aftermath of broken marriages.

When, when, when?: Hoping and Waiting for the Right One

A lady confided to me, "I used to be into selfish and emotionally unavailable men. I stopped dating them after reading your book, The Dirty Seven: Ladies Beware. But can you tell me why I haven’t met a decent guy yet or when I’m going to meet him? I’m starting to lose hope."

Worry vibes
Because of the ways the rules of attraction work, if you are constantly worried about not meeting a good mate, you will be sending out vibrations of worry and desperation. What kind of men are attracted by worried and desperate women? The types that take advantage of this weakness. Or who may be as worried and insecure as you are. Or who will get tired of your emotionally clinging needs.

Center of your universe
Therefore, It is time to stop making men the focal point of your universe. However, sometimes it takes time and patience. And just because you have done well spending a few days by yourself without a man, don't expect instant results. Until you are really clear on who you are without the prop of a man, Mr. Wonderful will not come into your life.

You're top priority
You must trust in yourself and believe that you are a top priority, build your self-esteem, and create a life driven by you full of positivity. Then, at some point, you’ll meet someone who will be drawn into your circle of love like a magnet. And they will love you because of who you are, not be the object of a clinging, needy, emotionally scattered mess.

Love yourself
Focus on enjoying your life, getting healthy and strong, and loving yourself. If you meet a guy, fine. But don't lose your mind or life over him. People who are truly committed to having a higher self-esteem, do not base it on a man or a relationship. They can validate themselves and not depend on others to do it.

Mirrors of ourselves
In relationships, you choose or engage with men that reflect the things that you believe about yourself, love, and relationships. This is why it’s important to value yourself and your life. You need to know when to let go of bad investments so that you don’t waste time. And you need to ensure that you’re doing things that benefit you and make you feel good.

Be happy
If you’ve been spending a significant portion of your life in relationships, that make you unhappy, it’s time for you to change. Start by not placing all of your happiness in the hands of The Dirty Seven, or hoping for a man that hasn't shown up yet. Get happy now!

Crying over a Man: What's up?

I was with a woman who was crying over a man the other night. He had been cheating on her for most of the relationship with two different women and she finally found out. She was crying a lot. Most of the day and night--and her puffy eyes bore witness to it.

But she wasn't crying because she was hurt that her guy was a creep. I expected her to feel upset about the betrayal, the deceit, or being taken for a fool. But she was upset because she wasn’t with him anymore. She missed him. She sobbed, "He's the center of my world. What am I going to do now?”

I meet a lot of women crying over their men but:

--It’s one thing to cry over the betrayal and be angry about it.
--It is another to cry about the fact that you’re no longer with a guy who treated you like dirt.

Anger
If you’re upset about the what he has done, at least you can progress to anger and move on from that. You can grieve for the relationship, and get over him.

Obsession
If you’re crying because you’re not with the jerk and you miss his company, the sex, how he made you feel, you will continue to obsess over him him and the relationship. Then you will start saying to yourself:

"It was probably me. I wasn't good enough for him. What if I had worn that sexy outfit instead of sweats the other night? Maybe I've been too busy at work. Maybe I'm not pretty or thin enough. On and on you will go, blaming yourself. What does she have that I don't have?

Emotional investment
Women have cried a lot of tears and obsessed about what should have been, could have been. Tears, upset, anger, blame, and shame are all natural when you break up with someone you’re emotionally invested in.

Deserve better
But if you're crying, ask yourself why you’re crying. If it’s because you miss him and want him badly but he’s a cheater and a liar, you need to look inside to see what kind of image you have of yourself. Maybe you think you don't deserve better.

If that is the case, you will be crying over the next man who will do the same thing to you. Until you get a sense of self-worth, you will be dumped and cheated on again.

Move on
If you say to yourself, "This guy got over on me. He wasn't who I thought he was. I'll let him go and get ready to attract someone who will really love me and will deserve my love. . . " you will be able to move on and chalk Mr. Badboy up to one of the casualties of the mating game.

Finding Love: Why am I Still Single?

You feel like you have so much to offer in a relationship but have yet to find one deserving of your love. Or maybe you thought you’d found someone only to realize that they were only a fantasy - and not what you desired at all.

Before you even think about starting a relationship, work on yourself. So many people are looking for a relationship hoping it will fix whatever is wrong with them. They are needy and want someone to fill the void they are unable to fill for themselves.

Be happy within yourself
The first step toward having a great relationship is finding happiness - alone. Being happy isn’t just about the feeling great because you just got a good deal at the Shop Rite. Happiness is being truly content with your life and the direction it’s going. It’s important to find this happiness before entering a relationship because, if you’re not happy before the relationship, you’ll look to the relationship as a cure for that unhappiness. In my book, Booby Trapped: Men Beware the Dirty Seven Sisters, I discuss Needee Nellie: The girl who is a clingy, emotional black hole of need.

Lose the friend with benefits
Get rid of the friends with benefits, f-buddies, booty calls etc. Those semi-relationships are repellants to new love and to happiness. They keep you stuck in the same circumstance of pseudo-intimacy, discourage new thoughts and ideas, and most of all, they keep you stuck in a place of non-commtiment. They tell the universe and yourself that you don't want and you don't deserve anything better.

Don't be bored
Find something to do with your free time. One of the worst things you can do, as a single person, is be bored with nothing to do. It’s during this idle time that you find yourself texting someone you shouldn’t be texting, emailing someone you shouldn’t be emailing or calling someone whose number you should have deleted. It’s also during this time that one tends to desire companionship the most - you begin to feel like you’re bored because you don’t have someone - when really, you’re bored because you’re not doing anything. Take up hobby you always said you were going to do but never got around to - maybe it was photography, maybe a writing poetry, body building, hiking - whatever it is - now’s the time to dive into it. Not only will you find yourself thinking less and less about being alone, but you’ll also become a more well-rounded person.

Help others
Make time to do something someone less fortunate - You’d be amazed at how quickly you forget about whatever’s going on (or not going on in your life) when you take the time to care about someone else’s needs. So whether you decided to join Big Brothers/Big Sisters, or whether you volunteer at a women’s shelter, at a homeless shelter, animal shelter- whatever it is, it’ll go a long way in reminding you of how blessed and fortunate you are as there’s always someone who has it worse.

Those four things will get you started. It’s important to make those things indelible characteristics of your everyday life. They may seem unrelated to finding Mr. or Ms. Right, but from what I’ve experienced, it’s not so much about finding Mr. or Ms. Right as much as it’s about putting yourself in a place - personally - to create the right relationship.

Once you’ve incorporated these principles into your everyday life, it’s time to sit down and think about what you want in a relationship. This is one of the most common steps we miss in our quests for love. If you don't specify what you want, you may settle for any old thing. When you know what you want, it is much easier to recognize it when you find it.

Finding Mr. or Ms. Right isn’t about going into a crowded club searching through dozens and dozens of people for the right one, it’s about creating a situation in your life, where the right one, is attracted into it.