The Bad Boy: The lust and the drama

"My niece had decided to cut off contact with her family to lay up with a lazy bum who doesn't want to work and had already fathered kids by at least 2 different women and doesn't support them. Before these twins (he is having with her) he has also an infant who may be about 1 now." This is what one of my friends wrote. She is taking care of that niece's child right now as the aftermath of her niece's bad choices.

Why do so many women turn their backs on their families so they can be with the "bad boys?"

Chasing Mr. Bad Boy
When we were little girls, none of us said, “Mama, when I grow up, I want to go out with a bad boy," yet oddly enough, many a woman has dedicated herself chasing and attempting to tame bad boys with more ferocity than they dedicate to their careers.

What's wrong with Mr. Nice?
The frightening thing is that women chase men that treat them mean , get hurt, but still won’t try a "nice" guy. When they do, the "nice" guy spends a lot of time working on and attempting to repair the damage created by her experiences with "bad" guys. The women that chase the bad guy often penalise the future partners for the bad choices that they’ve made in the past.

It hurts so good
I see so many women that appear to love to be treated badly, it’s bewildering. Why have some women become conditioned to believe that love comes in the form of a man that can't be good to her in any way, shape or form--except possibly in the bedroom? Is it possible that we have watched so many movies, read so many books, been impressionable so young, that we have become convinced that there must be a roller-coaster drama for it to constitute the big love and if there isn’t sparks flying and fireworks shooting out of our va-jay-jays when we get with a guy, then it can’t be meant to be?

Thrill of the chase
The reason why women chase bad boys may be because of the thrill of the chase, the occasional hints of a better character, and the twisted notion that these guys are "men."

Bad boys can manage to be nice to these women and give them just enough attention to keep them hanging on. The attention may come in the form of sex, gifts, taking them out from time to time, but then they disappear leaving the woman confused. There are bad boys who make the woman the legitimate girlfriend, but their behaviour makes it clear that they have other interests.

Nice friends
In my book, The Dirty Seven: Ladies Beware, I address the weird notion that guys seem like more of a man when they treat you like crap. If a guy is really nice, women discard him into the "friend" pile with the word "nice" cropping up repeatedly. He’s also often completely disregarded as boring and some women will wonder if he’s gay because he’s being so nice. It seems that a guy can be "nice" but not nice to us in a relationship capacity.

If we have to work for his attention constantly and we’re never really quite sure of how he feels about us, we want him. It’s as if we have an in-built mechanism where the attraction seems to kick in when they guy is elusive, misbehaves, or just has a general disregard for us. All of this translates to exciting. The "nice"’ guy is made to feel inferior for having good intentions and the manners and respect he was raised with.

Ms. Fix-it
We need to let go of this idea that we can fix and change these bad guys. We need to develop self esteem. It is frightening to think that we would take a guy walking all over us and treating us like crap, over a man that wants to be nice to us. We thrive on drama but we need to switch our focus to building relationships with men that want to love us properly. If we changed our attitudes and addressed our individual fascinations with men that mistreat us, I think that we’d find that our eyes would open up to guys that aren’t creating a load of drama to keep us in their lives.

Soap operas
Lust, big ding-dongs, dependency, and even a misguided need to prove to yourself that you can nab him are just some of the reasons why a woman will keep chasing the drama. But these are not the foundations of solid relationships. It’s no wonder relationships fail and marriages fail. The very basis of our relationships is built on ridiculous, soap opera values.


For more info: See The Dirty Seven: Ladies Beware.

First date: What not to say

Some people spew their guts on their first date: "I see a shrink twice a week, I have a hard time getting it up; I'm taking meds for depression; and how nervous I am because it's been so long since I've been on a date. These are all bad topics that you should avoid on a first date. If there's a questionable or uncomfortable problem that's on your mind, hold off on it until you get to know each other better.

Here are some definite no-no's:

Your exes
In my book, The Dirty Seven: Ladies Beware, I talk about ScarMan. He rags on and on about his ex, whether she was a saint or a sinner. There's ScarBaby too, the lady who rants on and on about her ex, how he dumped her, mistreated her, abused her, etc. Your date's romantic fantasies about you will be overshadowed by images of that other "mate" whom you're still not over. Unless, of course, you have kids from your earlier marriage, and they're a big part of your life. Since that's something that might be a deal-breaker, and understandably so, mention it early on, but don't go on and on about how your kids are the better than anyone's.

Your sexual one-night-stands
Don't mess up a date by drinking too much and then telling your date about what a nympho you used to be, or how you used to sleep with anything that walked. No one needs you to overshare about the times you had casual sex with other people in the back seat of your Chevy!

Your messed-up childhood
If your childhood was unhappy, don't treat your date as a shrink and carry on about how mommy or daddy didn't love you. Save it for later, when you know each other better.

Your mental problems
Avoid mention of any psychopharmaceutical drugs you might be taking and how often you go to the shrink because you can't cope. I once went out with a man who told me on the first date, "I never do anything without calling my shrink first." That was good information. It let me know to pass on him for any future encounters.

No work or hate work
It's not a big turn on to learn that you have no visible means of support. You should mention that you don't have a 9-to-5 but also emphasize how you're looking for something new, have some great prospects, and are feeling hopeful about the future. And if you got a hefty severance check, or have a nice cushy amount saved up in the bank, go ahead and throw that in there, too.
If you do have a job, don't carry on too long about how you hate everyone there including your boss. Your date will wonder if it's you or them that has the problem.

Financial problems
Don't laugh over how broke you are and how you are maxed out on your credit cards. When you finally you do bring it up, and not on the first date, be sure to also talk about the plan you have to dig yourself out of the hole.

All of the above can make that first date be your last.

ScarMan: The First of the Dirty Seven

Having paid my dues in the world of relationships, I have learned through trial and a heap of error, that certain types of guys do not make good boyfriends or husbands. They are like rotten tomatoes brought home from the grocery store. They do not get better with time, love, or hope. To save trouble and improve my shopping skills, I began to approach the subject of dating the way a scientist conducts a lab experiment. In the end, I discovered that the dead-end mates fall into seven distinct categories. (See “Where Have All the Good Men Gone?”).

The first of the seven categories is ScarMan.

He goes by different names. Some call him, "The Hurt Puppy," "The Whining Wounded," "Battle-scarred Galactica." ScarMan seems to have just gotten off a relationship and can only obsess about it to the exclusion of everything else, including you. He spends the entire evening talking about: (A) How great the ex was or, (B) What a total bitch she was. In both cases, he completely ignores the fact that he is out with you nor does he ask you much about yourself, like “How was your day?”

If you are looking for a satisfying relationship, where you feel you are first in a man's heart, throw ScarMan back on the beach. His “poor me, me, me” routine does not get better with time.

Stuck on Her!
In reality, his last relationship may have been ages ago, but he has not moved on yet. The most common ScarMan is the guy who was stunned when his woman left him. He didn't have a clue that she was even unhappy! By the time she told him, she had already moved on emotionally. Meanwhile, he still clings to her memory. He was clueless then and he is clueless now. How did he not notice that his ex was unhappy? Don't think you are going to be his key to enlightenment.

Too Soon!
If the breakup was recent, don't try to be the good nurse administering to his wounds. He only wants her and if his neediness melts your heart now, eventually you will be annoyed as he drones on and on about her. Clue: He thinks constantly about her and therefore he talks constantly about her. That means he is not thinking about you. You will resentfully mutter to yourself, "Hello! You are out with me. What makes you think that my idea of a good evening is talking about her all night? Get over it!"

Let Go Already!
Another ScarMan variety is the veteran of a breakup or widowhood that happened a long time ago. These ScarMen act like it just happened yesterday. Don't think that you will be the one to turn them around with the sexiness and intrigue that has worked so well with other guys. They are not open to the new. Besides, if they are widowers, their wives were saints who never did any wrong and you are in competition with Joan of Arc or Mother Theresa.

What a Bitch!
Just as unworkable as the ScarMen who idolize their exes, are the ones who spend the whole evening bad-mouthing them. Don't think that you will come out like a glowing rose in comparison. If he talks this badly about his ex, what will he say about you if it doesn't work out? Basically, it is annoying to listen to a guy go on and on about another woman whoever and whatever she was or did, especially if he is out with you.

Good Girl/Bad Girl!
One example is my gorgeous friend Carina. She invited me to her house for dinner. She had been married for several years. During the whole dinner her husband talked about how horrible his ex wife was. No matter what my friend did or said, it was only a point of departure for him to mention his ex.

Who wants to hear about someone's ex-wife all night long? We certainly did not. A few sentences here and there are all right. But Carina lacked the badassness to say, "That was then and this is now. Let's talk about us. Talk about our projects together. Ask our guest about herself. But don't bore us with a past that neither of us can do anything about!"

She Beat Me!
Another example was the ScarMan Ted. "My ex-wife used to come after me with a frying pan and beat me up on a regular basis," he said to me across the romantic candle-lit dinner table. Over the six-course meal he regaled me with stories of the various ways he was her punching bag. His detailed account was destroying my appetite. I was beginning to picture myself practicing one of my kickboxing moves on his head too. Maybe that was the only way his ex could break through his self-absorption.

When I asked Ted why he put up with it for so long he said, "Because I love her and I kept hoping she'd change." He still wanted her back! She had already moved on emotionally long before she left him. But she still lived on in his memory and I had to hear about it!

Difficult to Change!
It is difficult for ScarMan to change. It has to occur to him that he is a bore, stuck in the past. He must recognize that he will never be happy and he can never make another person happy if he persists with his war stories and tales of The Glory Days with Her.

He might be with you, but he is not really "with you." You might be tempted to rescue him, or think that you will be the one woman who gets his attention away from his ex. You might turn yourself inside out to find ways to make him forget. But your self-confidence will erode as you fail to compete with the past.

Time: The Healer?
Time might heal his wounds, but how long do you want to wait around for the scars to fade? In the end, it is much easier to find someone else, who is emotionally free to be interested in you and your conversation; someone with the potential to love you. Unless you are so smitten with him (for some chemical reason beyond logic) that you can tolerate his absorption with the past, throw him back! Otherwise you will always feel secondary, even if he is first in your heart.