Are you the Other Woman?

"Three years ago I began an affair with a married man. I never thought that I would spend three years with this man but I fell in love and I listened to the promises he made.  

"I have told him so many times that if he has no intentions of leaving his wife, to leave me alone. But he wouldn’t let our relationship drop, and so I believed he would leave her.

"Actually he did leave her about five months ago and he gave me some story about how we need to wait because he doesn’t want to give her reason to come after even more of his money and like a fool I believed him. But something didn’t ring true and he wasn’t spending any more time with me, in fact it was less.

"And then I discovered that he has a new girlfriend! I am devastated! He’s not hiding her away and they seem quite serious! But he’s been sleeping with me periodically so I’m still the Other Woman, only this time, it’s not even to his wife!

"What should I do? I have invested too much of my time to just walk away but it seems like he only wants me on the side and I want more than that! Why has he chosen her and not me?”

Advice in two words: Dump him! He's a SideMan and he will never change. That is why he is one of The Dirty Seven. The Dirty Seven are the seven types of men who are looking for a relationship but do not have the emotional wherewithal to sustain one.

Here is how to tell if you are The Other Woman:

1. You claim to want to be independent and without commitment. That's why you tolerate your position. But you are in denial about this.

2. You’re very comfortable with secrecy, even with people you regard as close friends

3. You’re inclined to put your life on hold for guys, often letting work and family suffer when you’re in a relationship.

4. You have low self-esteem.

5. You find it easy to delude yourself by believing in the possibilities and the potential.

6. You have thought that you are second best with other relationships or even with your family.

7. You ignore red flag behavior and have a habit of only focusing on the "good" things.

8. You end up choosing men when you’re in a desperate place emotionally.

9. You hang with a number of women who are also Other Women.

10. You allow sex to blind your judgment and mistake good sex and a physical connection for a reason to stay invested.

11. You fear being alone but you also fear what comes with a fully committed, relationship.

12. You’re makes ultimatum or set deadlines that are never followed through on.

13. You have an inability to come to closure.

14. You struggle with setting and keeping boundaries. They tend to extend to accommodate bad behavior.

A woman will often find herself on the downward spiral of being the Other Woman because he makes her feel special. He appears unable to resist her because he appears to be willing to risk his other relationship. If a man is trying it with you when he has someone at home, there must be something wrong with the main woman.

But actually, there doesn’t have to be anything wrong with her. Some men will be players no matter how good they have it. They’d tell you otherwise and make you feel like it’s a special occasion that he’s doing this with you.

We’re too busy thinking what must be wrong at his end to concern ourselves with the fact that if he’s screwing around behind someone else’s back, not only is it a poor indicator of his character, but it’s an indicator of how poorly he regards you.

You cannot base your decision to walk away based on the fact that three years have gone by, otherwise, no one would end their relationships. You need to base your decision to walk away on YOU and the only way you are going to do this is to build your self-esteem.

Women who place themselves in situations like this, seem gravitate to situations that highlight their "Second Best" issues. Many are used to hanging in the shadows, fighting for attention, trying to win, trying to prove their worth against another adversary.

But placing yourself in situations like this is actually a self-fulfilling prophecy where you set yourself up to fail and get to continue believing that you’re not good enough.

You’re never going to be more than second best if you assume a permanent position of the Other Woman. Every single time this man uses you and then goes back to someone else, he is validating every negative thing you believe about you.

You don't have to put up with the antics of a SideMan. Dump him. Don't worry. He will soon find someone to take your place. Someone else with low self esteem who will tolerate being second best.

For more info: See my article on SideMan and my book The Dirty Seven: Ladies Beware.

Cheating on the Internet

It may seem harmless, but cheating on the Internet is just as serious as cheating in the flesh. People say it is harmless because they feel that there are no victims when married partners engage in virtual sex while chatting with others online.

Psychologist Kimberly Young, author of Tangled in the Web, says "I've discovered that people were getting hooked on the Internet the way people are addicted to drugs or alcohol," says Dr. Young. "There are many stories of Internet infidelity that I've come across, and every couple's definition of cheating is different; some people believe that chatting on the Internet isn't cheating until they are at the point when they cross that boundary and they are going to meet the person."

How do you know when someone in you life is cheating on the Internet?

Young says, "A major sign that the online relationship is getting out of control is when the spouse is spending so much time around the computer that he doesn't go out with the spouse any more."

According to relationship experts, these are the common signs of an Internet affair:

* He is spending a huge amount of time on the Internet, especially time that used to be spent with you.

* He abruptly stops typing or turns off the computer in your presence.

* Your mate does not like to check his e-mail in front of you, or if he keeps multiple e-mail accounts.

* He has several unexpected meetings with people you don't know.

* Your mate regularly visits dating sites on the Internet.

* There are unusual credit card charges from unknown Internet merchants.

Alibi merchants have sprung up all over the internet. These companies supply realistic alibis--complete with supporting documentation--for straying spouses. A number of Internet companies sell computer software programs that promise to erase every site you visit, every file you open, and every person you've ever e-mailed for good. Which also means that reading your lover's old e-mails, or monitoring their online chats and downloading activity may be a thing of the past.

How to know if he's cheating

He comes home late, hides his phone, and makes too many excuses about his whereabouts. Is he cheating? Has he has started doing things that he doesn't normally do?

One woman says, "I found out when the lady my partner had been having an affair with phoned me to tell me he had just finished the relationship. I had suspected for over six months. He had started using his phone a lot more, had installed different ring tones for different people, he was gradually more distant, unloving and uncaring towards me, never wanted sex, began wearing different clothes, and had put on weight due to the drinking and eating he was doing with her."

Here are some clues from the relationship writer Zondra Hughes.
1. His whereabouts are unaccounted for. Sudden "emergencies" are putting you and your needs on the back burner.

2. The sex is different; his brief kisses and even briefer phone conversations have become empty consolation prizes for his absences and unfulfilled promises.

3. He starts accusing you of infidelity: His guilty conscience projects itself onto you.

4. He becomes obsessed with his appearance: If he was previously happiest in a pair of old jeans and a t-shirt and suddenly starts wearing suits and cologne when he goes out, be suspicious. Also be wary if a guy who was previously unconcerned about his appearance suddenly wants a new wardrobe, a hair transplant, or becomes fixated on developing his body through exercise.

5. He suddenly starts buying you presents: If this is not typical of your man, you may want to ask yourself why. Sometimes this is a means of covering guilt for bad behavior.

6. He frequently picks fights with you: This gives him a chance to leave the house so he can find consolation with the "other woman."

7. The smell of foreign perfume lingering in his car or on his clothes.

8. The sudden surge in so-called wrong numbers and hang-up calls received at your home.

9. Unusually long hours spent at work without the overtime pay to prove it.

Even though these are common signs, no two cheaters behave alike, experts say. Sometimes a cheater will pick an argument so that he can storm out of the house and into the arms of another; and sometimes, a cheater will become overly romantic, says television show producer and self-described cheater Bobby Goldstein, creator of the reality series, Cheaters.

"I wasn't at home a lot; I was very short-tempered with my ex-spouse, and I think I overcompensated for my actions by trying to do more and more good in less and less time," Goldstein says. "So if you receive flowers, and more attention, but the little things don't check out, or if there are expenses that are not accounted for, you need to [look out]. If a woman is smart, she will be all over this guy and make him come clean."

Here are other signs of a cheater, according to Brittian Wilder, author of Is It Love or a Big Misunderstanding?:
1. He is constantly saying, "I need more time to myself," even if you only see him a few days out of the week already.

2. He's always finding excuses to be away from you. (Usually this is when "hanging with the homeboys" come into play.)

3. Changes in the bedroom--he is rarely in the mood for sex; or he may try something new with you.
4. He suddenly becomes critical of you and compares you to others.

5. He develops an interest in new things, hobbies or even foods.

6. He can't look you in the eye when you ask him pointblank, "Are you having an affair?"

Stay tuned for my article on Cheating on the Internet.