Peter Pan and commitment-phobia

"I am seeing someone...and he's pretty terrific, except I don't see him committing or settling down in my lifetime! He's so much fun to be with but what's in the future for us?"

In my book The Dirty Seven: Ladies Beware, I briefly describe PanMan. The guy with the Peter Pan complex. The guy who never wants to grow up. And he certainly doesn't want to commit. He is not one of the Dirty Seven because they do want to commit--commit to making your life a living hell. No, PanMan is lovable, fun to be with, nice as can be--but will never settle down and be in a committed relationship.

PanMan may even have commitment-phobia. I come across so many who clearly exhibit a fear of commitment. They literally avoid commitment, or sabotage and stall the processes that bring it about. They see commitment the way a phobic sees a snake or spider. It brings them such terror, they'd rather avoid it altogether.

Here is what I wrote about PanMan:

"This guy does not want to grow up. He has what is known as The Peter Pan Complex. Since whole books have been dedicated to this concept, I will not cover it here. Some men exist who do not want to be men. They want to remain boys their whole life. If you are constantly thinking, “Oh, grow up!” when you observe your guy’s actions, he is probably a PanMan.

"He is actually a variation of the YAPpie, except that PanMan is not always young. This variety spans all age groups. He can be quite mature in years and still act immature. He likes to be a kid, with his collection of toys and games. He also likes to watch sports to the extent that his day is ruined if his team loses. He sits on the sidelines watching a game with more enthusiasm than he ever shows for making plans for his life. His game-love always outweighs his love for you.

"While he is playing and watching others play, he neglects the unsavory adult aspects of life, such as taking responsibility and cleaning up the mess he made. He doesn’t want a serious relationship because he might have to make a commitment, which is way too grown up for him to stomach. If he does move in with you, expect to end up taking care of him. He is not capable of looking out for you.

"His lack of relationship skills bleeds into his work-life as well, if he has a job. He does not have a career. That is too adult and far-thinking. He has a series of low-level jobs like a teenager just starting out in the world. When he is on the job he plays around a lot, with games, being a Monday morning quarterback, and playing pranks. He does not spend time thinking about how he could improve anything around him, the job, his financial standing, or your future together."

So what do you do if you are involved with PanMan? You can enjoy him for what he is and not expect him to be what he is not. Though he is not one of the Dirty Seven, in that he won't do you any harm, if you wait around for him to change and commit, you are deluding yourself. It's best to love him for what he is and continue to seek the one who will commit to you with all his heart.

Is it love or just drama and pain?

We choose partners that reflect the things that we believe about ourselves. If you carry negative ideas about yourself, love, and relationships, your partners will mirror these and create a self-fulfilling prophecy.

We adjust and accommodate and in some instances even enable our partners to keep doing their painful behavior. If you habitually choose emotionally unavailable people and find regularly find yourself in poor relationships with poor mate material, no matter what you say and believe, you too are emotionally unavailable and you choose people who yield the least likely possibility for a healthy, positive relationship.

Emotionally available people don’t habitually get involved with The Dirty Seven and when they do find themselves involved with them, they back away because it doesn’t feel healthy, comfortable, or right.

We say we want to be committed and we want to be loved, yet we choose people who can barely commit to seeing us the following week and who don’t actually love us.

And this is where some of you will become confused because:

1) You believe that you love them.

2) You believe that they love you but they just don't know it, or they love you but they're too afraid to show it, or they loves you because they tell you that they do even though their actions say different.

3) You believe that you have an amazing connection and this is your destiny because the sex is great/he’s funny with a great sense of humor, no-one’s ever made you feel like this before, etc.

4) You feel that you love them and if you feel this way then surely they should appreciate how much you feel for them and love you back because you have projected how you think and feel on them and you believe that you are the best they've ever had.

5) You believe you can do enough loving for the both of you and that in time, they will realize it and you’ll love happily ever after.

Pain is the opposite of love But pain is not love. It's the opposite of live. It’s just pain. So and don’t mix the two up and think that you’re suffering for your love and that only real, passionate love is painful, because quite frankly, there are many people who would pass on putting themselves through this pain.

Fear and drama
Much of the pain stems from fear and drama and we mistake our feelings of fear and penchant for drama as love, because we have poor relationship habits that have been learned over an extended period of time, often from childhood. This means that our behavior and desires may seem completely normal and even familiar as we can be playing out subconscious patterns.

Patterns What you learn though as you become aware of your relationship habits and harness your pattern is that if we don’t address how we feel about ourselves, love, and relationships we end up with a very skewed idea of what love is.

1) You learn to accept crumbs, feeling grateful for slivers of attention from people who are unworthy of your energy.

2) You convince yourself that what you’re getting is what you deserve or it must be what you want, because surely if you didn’t want this person and this relationship then you could walk away?

3) You believe that the magnitude of pain that you experience is in direct correlation to the amount of love you have, thus the more pain you feel, the more in love you believe yourself to be.

4) You convince yourself that you’re not good enough to expect or get more and that a better relationship will elude you.

5) You believe that because you have such poor experiences and that time is passing that you must ’settle’.

6) You become obsessed with getting attention from these people and aren’t concerned with the quality of attention so you end up with drama, either sought out or thrown in your direction.

7) You become co-dependent. The very person who is on one hand the very source of your pain also appears to be the sole source of your happiness. You can’t seem to function without them and you believe it’s because of your love when in actual fact it’s because of fear.

8) You think that the butterflies in your stomach that you get around these people is excitement and passion when in actual fact, when you have a habit of being with the same poor partners, it’s familiar fear.

9) You expend so much mental energy thinking about them, what you think they feel and do, what you think you do and feel, and betting on potential that you lose sight of the reality of them and become obsessed and infatuated with an illusion.

Fake love and passion Many of the dysfunctional things that happen in poor relationships are easy to tag as ‘love" and "passion" but it is important to remember that reality becomes distorted in poor relationships . If you don’t reconcile who you think you love with the reality of who they are and the relationship you have, you will fail to process that feeling of drama and fear for what they are - fear and drama - and as long as you are doing this, you will continue to fall into a cycle of poor relationships that result in similar experiences.

The drama and the fear
Fear and drama make you dependent on surrounding yourselves in experiences and factors that make it more comfortable for you to believe that this is how things are. Fear causes inaction and we end up being comfortable with the pattern of the very uncomfortable, because it seems far more uncomfortable to make positive changes that will not only make us accountable for our own happiness (or misery), but will throw the spotlight on where we are expending our emotional energy and reveal some uncomfortable truths.

Familiar pain
If you have been involved with the type of people who yield poor experiences on a habitual basis, there will be many familiar things about what you’re experiencing and that’s a sign in itself that not only is something very wrong, but you’re actually gravitating to patterns that you can recreate over and over again, and that’s not love when it ends up causing you so much pain, fear, and drama.

The test of all this is if you develop a healthier relationship with yourself which will result in healthier beliefs about love and relationships, will you still want them? Will you still love them? Or will you finally realize that you haven’t experienced love yet - you’ve just experienced pain.

For more info: See my books, The Dirty Seven: Ladies Beware and Booby Trapped: Men Beware the Dirty Seven Sisters.

Romance and finance: Should I lend him money?

He borrowed money from you and now that the relationship is over and you want him out of your life, you want your money and you want it back now.

Or, you are like one of my friends who loaned $3,000 to the man in her life to pay for his car insurance. She found out that she wasn't going to see that money again. Pursuing it was futile. She needed the money but there came a point where she had to get real and let go. The frustration consumed her and it didn’t change the fact that not only wasn’t she getting the money back, but he ended up spending her money in reckless and irresponsible ways.
You need to ask yourself if you have any expectations of what you lending him this money means to him.

Here are the most common motives:

1. You lend him in money because you believe and expect that you will now be in a committed, serious relationship with each other. This is fantasy-type thinking. If I do this for you, you will do such and such for me. That is not how things work in romance. It cannot be forced and it cannot be bought.

2. You offer to lend him money even though you don’t actually have a relationship with him. You think you’re being helpful and that he should see you as he woman for him. This kind of desperation makes you look like you are buying your man. You are also placing expectations on him that he may not want to indulge.

3. You lend him money even though you don’t know where you stand and there is possibly the existence of another woman or women. The expectation is that if he takes the money, you will now be #1. What will you do when you discover that you’re not the only women he’s either borrowing money from, or already owes money to? Become part of a posse to get your piece of the action?

4. You lend him money because you think it will allow you to have more control over him. Someone who owes you money would realise not only how generous and great a girlfriend you are, but would quit any form of bad behavior because it would show their ingratitude. As a justification for believing this, you’ll tell yourself if someone did the same for you, you would demonstrate how grateful you were and recognise the love.

Control may be a problem here. We control with doing things and expecting to be rewarded back with exactly the type of relationship we want. But maybe the man we loaned money to is incapable of giving us that kind of relationship. He may be thinking that we’re a complete controlling pushover to be taken advantage of.

Here are some good rules about money and romance. Don’t lend money to a man:
--Who barely shows up for the relationship
--Who is not actually yours
--Who is unsure about whether he wants to be in a relationship with you
--If you don't know where you stand in the relationship

Some women keep doing and doing and doing to win over a man who doesn’t deserve it. But with lending money, there are financial consequences and the result may be that he will move on to the next woman, while you are left paying for it.

If he already has little or no integrity in other areas, why is he suddenly going to be a man of integrity with your money? As in every other area of your relationship, it's best not to project what you think and feel onto him. Just because you know you would be grateful, or believe you would pay it back in regular installments, or believe that you would pa back the money in one lump sum after the relationship ended, doesn’t mean that he shares the same views or attitudes.

If money you do discuss money with him, it should be a case of discussing how long the loan is going to be for, how it is going to be paid back, and what will happen in in case the relationship doesn't work out. Will the instalments still continue as is, or will he be expected to pay up in full? How romantic is that? That is why I say, "Romance and finance don't mix."

It's not that there cannot be money in relationships. But money is something that should never be a part of a romance that doesn’t exist, barely exists, or already has a lot of problems. Throwing money at the hole in your relationship will not stop the leak.

Why are Some Couples so Happy?

You love each other. Isn't that enough? Being happy with each other should be easy. Obviously, just loving each other it isn't enough. If you take a look at the divorce rate, which is 50% and some say as high as 60% after the first two years, love may not be enough at all.

Yet some couples are clearly much happier than others. I read through many of articles on how couples stay happy, here are the common denominators:

Be in love: Make a conscious decision to be in love. That means show that you are, instead of letting the daily grind take over. Take some time to show your continuing romantic feelings.

Let the good times roll: Treat your partner like you did at the beginning of your relationship. Make time to have fun together and not just do everything that needs to be done for the house, work, and taking care of business.

Express yourself: Make your partner feel secure in your love so they can open up to you and express feelings and ideas without fear of being attacked or judged. Otherwise they shut down because they fear you will come at them with an argument or hurt feelings and the silent treatment.

Be with them when you are with them: Keep your mind in the moment -- not at work, thinking about the person who gave you a hard time at work, or all the work you could be getting done while you are just enjoying time with your partner. I'm sure you have been to a restaurant where the gentleman is on the cell phone the whole dinner, while his lovely lady is sitting there staring off into space. Or the reverse can be true. It happens enough now. You are with him or her, not talking to your friends or doing business.

Keep looking good: Take the time to stay in shape and look good for each other. It does matter. Sometimes people think they can slack off once they are in a relationship. They stop shaving, don't wash, wear ill-fitting clothes. This can take its toll on romance.

Enjoy each other's differences: Unhappy couples focus on the ways they are different. Happy couples focus on their similarities and think their differences are interesting. Allow each other to be individuals and don't expect to be siamese twins with the same opinions and favorite activities.

Find solutions instead of blame: Problem-solve together, and in a loving way solve your problems together instead of pointing fingers at each other and getting out all your ammunition for the big war.

Get it on: Make time for sex or it will be swamped by all the stuff you need to do to survive, take care of business, and just maintain your life.

Tell it like it is: Don't expect to read each others' minds. Always clear up misunderstandings to make sure they don't throw you both off course.

Time out: Me-time is good. Even in the closest relationship, everyone needs time alone. Don't make each other feel guilty if you need to spend time alone or with your friends.

All of the above should be easy, right? But like the Ten Commandments, they are easy but many people find them difficult to follow. However, there is no doubt that if people would pay attention to these precepts, the happiness rate would go up and the strife in relationships would go down. The divorce rate would go down and children would not have to deal with the aftermath of broken marriages.

When, when, when?: Hoping and Waiting for the Right One

A lady confided to me, "I used to be into selfish and emotionally unavailable men. I stopped dating them after reading your book, The Dirty Seven: Ladies Beware. But can you tell me why I haven’t met a decent guy yet or when I’m going to meet him? I’m starting to lose hope."

Worry vibes
Because of the ways the rules of attraction work, if you are constantly worried about not meeting a good mate, you will be sending out vibrations of worry and desperation. What kind of men are attracted by worried and desperate women? The types that take advantage of this weakness. Or who may be as worried and insecure as you are. Or who will get tired of your emotionally clinging needs.

Center of your universe
Therefore, It is time to stop making men the focal point of your universe. However, sometimes it takes time and patience. And just because you have done well spending a few days by yourself without a man, don't expect instant results. Until you are really clear on who you are without the prop of a man, Mr. Wonderful will not come into your life.

You're top priority
You must trust in yourself and believe that you are a top priority, build your self-esteem, and create a life driven by you full of positivity. Then, at some point, you’ll meet someone who will be drawn into your circle of love like a magnet. And they will love you because of who you are, not be the object of a clinging, needy, emotionally scattered mess.

Love yourself
Focus on enjoying your life, getting healthy and strong, and loving yourself. If you meet a guy, fine. But don't lose your mind or life over him. People who are truly committed to having a higher self-esteem, do not base it on a man or a relationship. They can validate themselves and not depend on others to do it.

Mirrors of ourselves
In relationships, you choose or engage with men that reflect the things that you believe about yourself, love, and relationships. This is why it’s important to value yourself and your life. You need to know when to let go of bad investments so that you don’t waste time. And you need to ensure that you’re doing things that benefit you and make you feel good.

Be happy
If you’ve been spending a significant portion of your life in relationships, that make you unhappy, it’s time for you to change. Start by not placing all of your happiness in the hands of The Dirty Seven, or hoping for a man that hasn't shown up yet. Get happy now!

The 4 Rules of Attraction

How do I attract someone into my life? When it comes to sex and relationships, "attraction" means different things to different people. Some women find the bad boys with problems attractive, some men find the cute little silly girls attractive. Those things are a matter of taste and cannot be fully explained. But here are some general rules that can make a difference:

Appearance
Look like you care about it. You don't have to be Halle Berry or Tyson Beckford, but look like you care about yourself. As good a person as you are inside, the exterior is what most of us notice first. If people pass on you because you are wearing dirty, torn sweats and have unwashed hair--they never will get to know the great person you know you are.

Attractive looks will only take you or your mate so far, of course. If the only reason you are with a person is because they look good to you and nothing else, the attraction will get old and die of its own accord. But it makes sense to make an effort with your appearance, because it shows you care about yourself. At least cover the basics:

--Hair groomed (no dandruff all over your shoulders)
--Clean teeth (no spinach, meat, or gunk between your teeth)
--Fresh breath (do not smell like a week-old pizza with all the toppings)
--Clean clothes (BO is not a turn-on for most)

Other items are "in the eye of the beholder." For example, a guy wearing dress socks with sandals and shorts turns me off because it looks like he is clueless. But he might remind another woman of her father and she loves that feeling. Or, I might learn that he is clueless about clothes but knows how to take care of a woman in all respects.

Vibration and Energy
A positive outlook will draw in people that reflect the positive things that you feel about yourself and life. All of life is about vibrations and energy. Sex and relationships are no different. If you want to be attractive to people who want to live the same positive life you want, you radiate that positivity first. I don't mean be Pollyanna from Joyland, just optimistic, inspiring, and someone it is uplifting to be with.

Security within yourself
Find a way to be secure and grounded. Needy, desperate people telegraph these vibes. It is not attractive to see a clingy, insecure, person who fears being alone. It’s not attractive to place the responsibility for your happiness on one person and get it solely from them.

Don't Front
We all have a tendency to put on our party manners during the dating period, but the reality is that the ongoing attraction is created by getting to know the real you. Don’t pretend and start acting happier than you actually feel--your vibrations will betray you.

Crying over a Man: What's up?

I was with a woman who was crying over a man the other night. He had been cheating on her for most of the relationship with two different women and she finally found out. She was crying a lot. Most of the day and night--and her puffy eyes bore witness to it.

But she wasn't crying because she was hurt that her guy was a creep. I expected her to feel upset about the betrayal, the deceit, or being taken for a fool. But she was upset because she wasn’t with him anymore. She missed him. She sobbed, "He's the center of my world. What am I going to do now?”

I meet a lot of women crying over their men but:

--It’s one thing to cry over the betrayal and be angry about it.
--It is another to cry about the fact that you’re no longer with a guy who treated you like dirt.

Anger
If you’re upset about the what he has done, at least you can progress to anger and move on from that. You can grieve for the relationship, and get over him.

Obsession
If you’re crying because you’re not with the jerk and you miss his company, the sex, how he made you feel, you will continue to obsess over him him and the relationship. Then you will start saying to yourself:

"It was probably me. I wasn't good enough for him. What if I had worn that sexy outfit instead of sweats the other night? Maybe I've been too busy at work. Maybe I'm not pretty or thin enough. On and on you will go, blaming yourself. What does she have that I don't have?

Emotional investment
Women have cried a lot of tears and obsessed about what should have been, could have been. Tears, upset, anger, blame, and shame are all natural when you break up with someone you’re emotionally invested in.

Deserve better
But if you're crying, ask yourself why you’re crying. If it’s because you miss him and want him badly but he’s a cheater and a liar, you need to look inside to see what kind of image you have of yourself. Maybe you think you don't deserve better.

If that is the case, you will be crying over the next man who will do the same thing to you. Until you get a sense of self-worth, you will be dumped and cheated on again.

Move on
If you say to yourself, "This guy got over on me. He wasn't who I thought he was. I'll let him go and get ready to attract someone who will really love me and will deserve my love. . . " you will be able to move on and chalk Mr. Badboy up to one of the casualties of the mating game.

Mr. Right Now instead of Mr. Right

"I want Mr. Right eventually, but for the time being, I've got needs, and Mr. Right Now will do just fine," says one young woman. But does this hurt her in the long run?

Emotions
I say yes. The way women are constructed makes it emotionally difficult for them to hit and run in the bedroom. The author Laura Sessions Stepp wrote a book on the subject: Unhooked: How Young Women Pursue Sex, Delay Love and Lose at Both. She says "The way chemicals are released in the brain during intercourse is very different in men and women.

Oxytocin and testosterone
"In women, oxytocin is released. It's a chemical that makes women want to nurture their young and stay close. Men get a huge jolt of testosterone, which suppresses oxytocin, and that's nature's way of saying, 'Leave the nest and go sire offspring somewhere else.' So when women think they can have sex and walk away just like guys do, they're having to suppress thousands of years of evolution that tells them to cuddle, stay in bed, and look forward to tomorrow. When they get up and walk out, they feel depressed and don't know why."

Different design
Women, because they are the bearers and nurturers of children, are not designed by nature to have casual sex and feel all right about it. That is may be why alcohol-consumption rates are going up in women. They are taking part in these one-night-stand sexual encounters, believing they should be strong about it. And they' do it over and over again. At some point it denies their own biology and desires, so they drink in order to prepare for it, because it's not what they want to do. And they drink to dull the pain of the day after.

Risks
Casual sex has the well-known risks of sexually transmitted diseases but another risk is depression. Surveys show that, due to oxytocin, the shorter a relationship, the more likely it is for depression to be the aftermath.

Casual sex may make later relationships more difficult, particularly if it becomes a pattern. As Stepp says, "Trust is elusive. You don't learn how to trust someone; you don't learn how to treat someone in a caring way. And I think if you don't get to practice those things, it's going to be harder down the road to have a successful relationship or marriage."

So, sure, go out and find a man who turns you on and have fun with him, but don't hook up with him so soon. Wait until you know him better. The sex will be better too.

Love and Weight: Fat and Happy

People usually lose weight in the first few weeks of a new relationship. Eating a lot seems besides the point as they float in a dream of bliss. Also, appetite-suppressing adrenaline is pumping through their bodies and they are motivated to look good for their new love.

But I have noticed that after a few months, people in a cozy relationship start gaining pounds. A study from the University of North Carolina found that, over the course of five years, women in relationships in their late teens and early twenties put on more weight than single girls do.
And the stronger the bond, the greater the weight gain: Women who live with their men see the scale climb three additional pounds, and those who get married add an extra nine.

Why the poundage?
When you’re in love, “You consume 35 percent more food when you eat with someone you like,” says Brian Wansink, PhD, author of Mindless Eating. Then there are those bottles of romantic bottles of wine that you wouldn't drink on your own. “Unfortunately, the booze adds calories, lowers your willpower, and makes you more prone to diet-wrecking late-night eating,” says NYC nutritionist Martha McKittrick.

“After you’ve been in love for six months or so, the bonding hormone oxytocin takes over,” says psychologist Belisa Vranich. “It triggers cravings for comfort foods.” Comfort foods are fatty foods" ice cream, pizza, chips with lots of guacamole, mozzarella sticks, fries, popcorn with lots of butter, anything with lots of butter.

Skipping the gym
On top of that, skipping your Saturday morning gym routine to snuggle in bed, accelerates the downward spiral. Now, not only are you not moving enough but you need to have a romantic breakfast, with all the trimmings afterwards. Yes, sex burns calories, but not like a spinning or aerobics class. Before long, pounds are piling on.

Trouble ahead
Now trouble can brew in the relationship. “You think, I can pack on a few because he loves me for who I am,” says Vranich. “But your guy’s worrying that if he stays with you, you’ll balloon even more.” Also studies have shown that women's self esteem about their bodies plummet and make them feel self-conscious their bodies and thus be less provocative in bed.

Men can eat more
"Men require 25 to 40 percent more calories than women do, so take a third less than his portion,” advises McKittrick. Adds Wansink: “Studies show that the more attention a woman pays to how much she consumes on a date, the less she’ll eat. So right away understand that you are not created equal at the dinner table. A man's metabolism will burn up the fat faster than a woman's.

Work it
So don't skip your favorite kickboxing class, just because you are in love. Involve each other in active dates, like hiking, running, or biking. Couples who resolved to improve their eating and exercise habits together were shown to lose weight and maintained a healthy lifestyle 16 months later.

Office Romance: Should You?

If you are a single professional, you might spend more time at the office than at home. You are like a lot of single men and women who don't have the time to meet new people. You might be tempted to find potential partners within your environment -- the office.

Maybe you feel that work is a natural place to meet new people. After all, you spend at least 40 hours a week there. Relationships with co-workers can be especially tempting because the hourly demands don't leave much time for socializing outside.

According to a poll conducted by the Society for Human Resource Management, 58 percent of executives view office romances as unprofessional; 38 percent believe they end in disaster; and many more believe that they wreak havoc on morale. And, let's not forget that office affairs have the potential to lead to sexual harassment lawsuits.

A study by Vault.com shows that almost half of us have been romantically tied to someone at work and that workplace relationships often can be successful; roughly one-quarter result in long-term relationships and even marriage. So let me present to you the pros and cons of office romance:

Pros:
1. You save time and money by not having to search outside the premises.

2. You already have an idea of what he or she's is like because you have seen them in action over time. So there won't be unpleasant surprises.

Cons:
1. No matter how well the relationship is going, it can be disastrous if you have too much face time with each other. If you work together, go out together, have sex together, spend weekends together, it may be too much togetherness.

2. Office romances may interfere with your ability to perform your professional duties. Imagine telling your girlfriend or boyfriend that they're fired? Or being fired by your lover. You may be accused of conflict of interest or favoritism. This lowers everyone's morale. There's nothing worse than seeing a boss favoring another employee for sexual reasons.

3. If things don't work out, things can become awkward. You have both seen each other in the most intimate situations. Now there is a chill in the air between you. I have known many women through the years who have had to leave their jobs because an office romance went sour. When they have dated their bosses, they were fired after the end of the affair.

So do you think you can carry it off? You can if you don't come back together, disheveled after long lunches, with transcendent grins on your lipstick-smeared faces. Also, don't send romantic or sexy e-mail to each other through company e-mail. I can be checked and you can be fired.

If you are discreet, sensible, and take time to make sure the relationship will not interfere with the workplace, an office romance may be right for you.

ScarMan: The First of the Dirty Seven

Having paid my dues in the world of relationships, I have learned through trial and a heap of error, that certain types of guys do not make good boyfriends or husbands. They are like rotten tomatoes brought home from the grocery store. They do not get better with time, love, or hope. To save trouble and improve my shopping skills, I began to approach the subject of dating the way a scientist conducts a lab experiment. In the end, I discovered that the dead-end mates fall into seven distinct categories. (See “Where Have All the Good Men Gone?”).

The first of the seven categories is ScarMan.

He goes by different names. Some call him, "The Hurt Puppy," "The Whining Wounded," "Battle-scarred Galactica." ScarMan seems to have just gotten off a relationship and can only obsess about it to the exclusion of everything else, including you. He spends the entire evening talking about: (A) How great the ex was or, (B) What a total bitch she was. In both cases, he completely ignores the fact that he is out with you nor does he ask you much about yourself, like “How was your day?”

If you are looking for a satisfying relationship, where you feel you are first in a man's heart, throw ScarMan back on the beach. His “poor me, me, me” routine does not get better with time.

Stuck on Her!
In reality, his last relationship may have been ages ago, but he has not moved on yet. The most common ScarMan is the guy who was stunned when his woman left him. He didn't have a clue that she was even unhappy! By the time she told him, she had already moved on emotionally. Meanwhile, he still clings to her memory. He was clueless then and he is clueless now. How did he not notice that his ex was unhappy? Don't think you are going to be his key to enlightenment.

Too Soon!
If the breakup was recent, don't try to be the good nurse administering to his wounds. He only wants her and if his neediness melts your heart now, eventually you will be annoyed as he drones on and on about her. Clue: He thinks constantly about her and therefore he talks constantly about her. That means he is not thinking about you. You will resentfully mutter to yourself, "Hello! You are out with me. What makes you think that my idea of a good evening is talking about her all night? Get over it!"

Let Go Already!
Another ScarMan variety is the veteran of a breakup or widowhood that happened a long time ago. These ScarMen act like it just happened yesterday. Don't think that you will be the one to turn them around with the sexiness and intrigue that has worked so well with other guys. They are not open to the new. Besides, if they are widowers, their wives were saints who never did any wrong and you are in competition with Joan of Arc or Mother Theresa.

What a Bitch!
Just as unworkable as the ScarMen who idolize their exes, are the ones who spend the whole evening bad-mouthing them. Don't think that you will come out like a glowing rose in comparison. If he talks this badly about his ex, what will he say about you if it doesn't work out? Basically, it is annoying to listen to a guy go on and on about another woman whoever and whatever she was or did, especially if he is out with you.

Good Girl/Bad Girl!
One example is my gorgeous friend Carina. She invited me to her house for dinner. She had been married for several years. During the whole dinner her husband talked about how horrible his ex wife was. No matter what my friend did or said, it was only a point of departure for him to mention his ex.

Who wants to hear about someone's ex-wife all night long? We certainly did not. A few sentences here and there are all right. But Carina lacked the badassness to say, "That was then and this is now. Let's talk about us. Talk about our projects together. Ask our guest about herself. But don't bore us with a past that neither of us can do anything about!"

She Beat Me!
Another example was the ScarMan Ted. "My ex-wife used to come after me with a frying pan and beat me up on a regular basis," he said to me across the romantic candle-lit dinner table. Over the six-course meal he regaled me with stories of the various ways he was her punching bag. His detailed account was destroying my appetite. I was beginning to picture myself practicing one of my kickboxing moves on his head too. Maybe that was the only way his ex could break through his self-absorption.

When I asked Ted why he put up with it for so long he said, "Because I love her and I kept hoping she'd change." He still wanted her back! She had already moved on emotionally long before she left him. But she still lived on in his memory and I had to hear about it!

Difficult to Change!
It is difficult for ScarMan to change. It has to occur to him that he is a bore, stuck in the past. He must recognize that he will never be happy and he can never make another person happy if he persists with his war stories and tales of The Glory Days with Her.

He might be with you, but he is not really "with you." You might be tempted to rescue him, or think that you will be the one woman who gets his attention away from his ex. You might turn yourself inside out to find ways to make him forget. But your self-confidence will erode as you fail to compete with the past.

Time: The Healer?
Time might heal his wounds, but how long do you want to wait around for the scars to fade? In the end, it is much easier to find someone else, who is emotionally free to be interested in you and your conversation; someone with the potential to love you. Unless you are so smitten with him (for some chemical reason beyond logic) that you can tolerate his absorption with the past, throw him back! Otherwise you will always feel secondary, even if he is first in your heart.

Sex tapes: Rihanna, Paris, Pam

It's very simple: If you are a celebrity and you don't want the public to see you doing your private business--DO NOT MAKE A SEX TAPE. If you are a private individual be very careful too. Too many cases of embarrassing incidents happen if the relationship goes sour.

The sex tape brouhaha is so rampant, Wikipedia has a whole page devoted to it.

Of course we have Pam Anderson's tame and lame sex tape of her honeymoon with what's-his-name. I subjected myself to this sugar-coated, empty brained ordeal and wondered what all the fuss was about. Between them calling each other "Baby," every three seconds and jerky videos of the landscape, all I felt was disgust that I was wasting my time.

I also saw Paris Hilton's insipid "scandalous" video. I don't find brainless poseurs revealing their private parts sexy. Now, according to Gawker she supposedly has released a new sex tape.

The whole Rihanna/Chris Brown beat-down scandal is hard enough to take. Now Star Magazine is saying that Rihanna is afraid Chris is going to leak a sex tape of them doing the pee-pee dance for the world to see. The source went on to say, "Rihanna has no issues with her sexuality. But she'd be mortified if her friends and family found this out! This whole beating incident is terribly humiliating for her. She's already traumatized and will do anything to make it all go away as quickly as possible."

As MK says in Dlisted, "Let's be clear. If you make a sex tape then be prepared for it to get into the "wrong" hands--or the right ones if your aim is to make money off of it."

He observes astutely, "Okay, if you're a celebwh*re and your bare a** is in the air while a camera is recording, there's a good f**king chance that the eyes of many will see it. Don't lose your breath when it leaks, because you had it coming!

"If you're a narcissistic wh*re and need to see your sh*t doing f*cky stuff, just hook the camera up to the TV so you can watch without recording it. Or delete that sh*t right away. Be smart! But personally, watching myself doing that nasty sh*t is like watching a horror movie. It's not fun or stimulating. I learned things about my body I never wanted to know!"

This also goes for private individuals. Be careful about those sex tapes. I have heard too many stories of relationships gone south followed by revenge distribution of sex tapes.

I will discuss secret taping of sex--in which one of the participants doesn't even know it's happening, another time. Yes, that happens too. It has happened to a friend of mine and to many others.

Where have all the good men gone?

As a woman of the times, you are intelligent, independent, and confident in your sexuality. But if you have been floating around on the dating scene, you might be asking yourself, “Where have all the good men gone?” From my many years of experience dating, mating, marrying, being friends with and divorcing men, I can tell you: It takes patience to find someone you can respect, whose heart is open to you, and you can be with without driving you up the wall.

Good mate-material is out there. But, while you are looking, don’t waste your time and money on The Dirty Seven. The Dirty Seven are dead-ends and no matter how much hope, love, and denial you throw in their direction, they won’t change. There’s have too much of a pay-off being the rotters they are.

Underlying Problem
The underlying problem with The Dirty Seven is a kind of selfishness that makes them incapable of giving your needs fair play. They lack empathy (the ability to put themselves in your shoes). They are looking for a relationship like you, but they are not capable of sustaining one.

Who are these Guys?
I categorized the Dirty Seven the way the scientist or naturalist describes species of insects or birds. They have stayed true to type for over twenty years of testing in the laboratory of society. Don’t give up your freedom and happiness for these guys. They will always put you and your needs second or last. Read for a brief description of who they are and what you can do about them.

1. ScarMan: Talks continuously about his ex and the past, to the exclusion of everything else, including you. You feel like saying, “Hello! You are out with me!”

If you want to feel first in a man’s heart, throw ScarMan back on the dating beach.

2. SideMan: Married or living with someone but looking for some excitement on the side, with no intention of creating a real relationship.

Walk away and don’t look back. He wants to use you. If it takes a lie, he will lie to get what he wants, without a thought for the pain he causes. Divorce is expensive, he loves his kids, and he wants the best of both worlds. Don’t think he will leave his wife for you.

3. CrazyMan: Has so many quirks, a hospital wing of psychotherapists couldn’t figure him out. He’ll drive you nuts if you give him a long-term try, so don’t start with him.

4. GuyMan: Likes guys better than girls but pretends to be straight. The fact that he is lying to you about it is what makes him one of The Dirty Seven.

Let him go on his journey of discovering his true identity without you.

5. YAPpie: (Young And Poor) have the benefit of youth on their side but not much else: No money and no job prospects. You pay for everything and drive him around too.

Do less for him. He is a species of parasite that survives by living off of women and will move on.

6. OLMan: (Old Loser Man) is the YAPpie, grown older but not wiser. He has not provided for his future. He is looking to you to do that for him. He was lazy, selfish, and clueless in his youth and has remained the same in his old age.

Do not get involved with him until you find out where and how he lives. Go there with him. If he is penniless, especially beware of how he lives.

7. BagMan: Difficult children from different marriages some of whom live with him, multiple alimony payments, and lots of bitterness over past woes are just some of the baggage this man brings to the relationship.

Give up on him before you are left holding the bag.

Good Guys

Let me reiterate, good guys are out there and are worth taking the time to find. The good mate thinks about the “us” before he thinks about himself. The relationship is foremost in his life and he shows you that it is. His life is not about his miserable self, self, self and he wants to do something to make things better in the world instead of being a drain on the system.

He takes care of himself because he has self-respect. Money is not what motivates him. His heart guides him. He lives his life with passion and is not a wound-licking victim or an ego-driven control freak. He understands the territory of love and shares it with you. He appreciates and respects you and you feel a warm glow of happiness when you think of him. He is the exact opposite of all of the Dirty Seven:

• The un-ScarMan: He is not stuck in the past and is here with you, now. He wants to learn about you because he is interested.
• The un-SideMan: He is devoted to you and not lots of chicks on the side. He puts his whole heart into your relationship.
• The un-CrazyMan: He has enough reference in reality to be able to share your world with enthusiasm. He is balanced and rational.
• The un-GuyMan: He is honest about his sexuality and loves you because you are a woman with a woman’s body.
• The un-YAPpie: He can support himself and does not expect you to be a Sugar Mama. He has plans and goals for what he wants from life and how he wants to contribute to others.
• The un-OLMan: He has had a life vision and continues to work on it, even when he is up in years. He can support himself and stays young-at-heart, though he has the wisdom that comes with age and experience.
• The un-BagMan: He might have some baggage, as everyone who has lived has, but he does not inflict it on you so that it takes over your life. He has handled it cleanly and fairly so that it does not keep coming back to haunt him and you.

So don’t be a wimp when one of the Dirty Seven comes your way. Only women with low self-esteem fall for these guys, or continue on with them when they find out what they really are. The Dirty Seven don’t get better. They don’t even want to get better. The payoff for being selfish is great for them. Only the woman loses in this situation. Even the sex sours when you lose complete respect for a man. Assert your strengthand move on to someone who has the ability to really love you!


For more info: See my books on relationships and dating: The Dirty Seven: Ladies Beware and Booby Trapped: Men Beware the Dirty Seven Sisters.

Dimitri the Lover: SideMan Exposed

In my book The Dirty Seven: Ladies Beware, I list the seven types of men on the dating scene, who are dead ends as lovers, mates, or husbands. They are actively seeking a relationship with you, but are unable to sustain a happy one, for you. SideMan is one example.

SideMan is already in a relationship with someone else, and he either tells you about it up-front, or allows you to discover it on your own. If he tells you about it, he says he and his wife/live-in girlfriend live separate lives and they don't have sex. If he does not tell you, and you discover it, he says "I didn't tell you because I didn't want to lose you."

SideMen are abundant. They are looking for variety. A little something on the side. To spice up their day. Let's take the example of Canada's infamous Dimitri the Lover. He was a physician who came on to his female patients and lost his license as a result. Here is his explanation:

"At the time, I was married. And my wife was sexually dysfunctional, I had not had sex with her in a year and a half. It was a very tough time, I was very horned up. And I was busy, between that and working, so for me it was easy to hit on chicks that were patients."

Let's dissect his statement. He had not had sex with his wife for a year and a half. He blames his wife for this, not reflecting on how he contributed to the situation. Instead of attempting to fix the problem at home, he points the finger at the "dysfunctional" wife. As a physician, the only solution he could find was to get it on with women on the side.

"It was a tough time because I was very horned up." This is a plea for pity. We are supposed to feel sorry for him. This makes it all right that he abused the presumed relationship of trust between a doctor and a patient. But he was busy, so we should understand.

"And I was busy, between that and working . . ." Between what and working? Between being horned up and working? Too busy to sustain a mutually fulfilling relationship with someone I'm married to, or get out. So I will get off on the convenient slab of flesh at hand, my captive audience. Hey, it happens to be a patient who is depending on my services as an ethical practitioner. But I'm strapped for time and my horny little Willy is calling. Can't you idiots understand that?

". . . so for me it was easy to hit on chicks that were patients." Yes, it was easy. Some were ill and vulnerable. Besides, these patients were "chicks." What an educated, enlightened way to refer to the piece of meat you are hitting on because you are so horned up. Chicks and bulls. The poetry of the SideMan cannot be surpassed. He will bring you flowers too. But remember, you are always the action on the side to the SideMan.