Romance and finance: Should I lend him money?

He borrowed money from you and now that the relationship is over and you want him out of your life, you want your money and you want it back now.

Or, you are like one of my friends who loaned $3,000 to the man in her life to pay for his car insurance. She found out that she wasn't going to see that money again. Pursuing it was futile. She needed the money but there came a point where she had to get real and let go. The frustration consumed her and it didn’t change the fact that not only wasn’t she getting the money back, but he ended up spending her money in reckless and irresponsible ways.
You need to ask yourself if you have any expectations of what you lending him this money means to him.

Here are the most common motives:

1. You lend him in money because you believe and expect that you will now be in a committed, serious relationship with each other. This is fantasy-type thinking. If I do this for you, you will do such and such for me. That is not how things work in romance. It cannot be forced and it cannot be bought.

2. You offer to lend him money even though you don’t actually have a relationship with him. You think you’re being helpful and that he should see you as he woman for him. This kind of desperation makes you look like you are buying your man. You are also placing expectations on him that he may not want to indulge.

3. You lend him money even though you don’t know where you stand and there is possibly the existence of another woman or women. The expectation is that if he takes the money, you will now be #1. What will you do when you discover that you’re not the only women he’s either borrowing money from, or already owes money to? Become part of a posse to get your piece of the action?

4. You lend him money because you think it will allow you to have more control over him. Someone who owes you money would realise not only how generous and great a girlfriend you are, but would quit any form of bad behavior because it would show their ingratitude. As a justification for believing this, you’ll tell yourself if someone did the same for you, you would demonstrate how grateful you were and recognise the love.

Control may be a problem here. We control with doing things and expecting to be rewarded back with exactly the type of relationship we want. But maybe the man we loaned money to is incapable of giving us that kind of relationship. He may be thinking that we’re a complete controlling pushover to be taken advantage of.

Here are some good rules about money and romance. Don’t lend money to a man:
--Who barely shows up for the relationship
--Who is not actually yours
--Who is unsure about whether he wants to be in a relationship with you
--If you don't know where you stand in the relationship

Some women keep doing and doing and doing to win over a man who doesn’t deserve it. But with lending money, there are financial consequences and the result may be that he will move on to the next woman, while you are left paying for it.

If he already has little or no integrity in other areas, why is he suddenly going to be a man of integrity with your money? As in every other area of your relationship, it's best not to project what you think and feel onto him. Just because you know you would be grateful, or believe you would pay it back in regular installments, or believe that you would pa back the money in one lump sum after the relationship ended, doesn’t mean that he shares the same views or attitudes.

If money you do discuss money with him, it should be a case of discussing how long the loan is going to be for, how it is going to be paid back, and what will happen in in case the relationship doesn't work out. Will the instalments still continue as is, or will he be expected to pay up in full? How romantic is that? That is why I say, "Romance and finance don't mix."

It's not that there cannot be money in relationships. But money is something that should never be a part of a romance that doesn’t exist, barely exists, or already has a lot of problems. Throwing money at the hole in your relationship will not stop the leak.

Why are Some Couples so Happy?

You love each other. Isn't that enough? Being happy with each other should be easy. Obviously, just loving each other it isn't enough. If you take a look at the divorce rate, which is 50% and some say as high as 60% after the first two years, love may not be enough at all.

Yet some couples are clearly much happier than others. I read through many of articles on how couples stay happy, here are the common denominators:

Be in love: Make a conscious decision to be in love. That means show that you are, instead of letting the daily grind take over. Take some time to show your continuing romantic feelings.

Let the good times roll: Treat your partner like you did at the beginning of your relationship. Make time to have fun together and not just do everything that needs to be done for the house, work, and taking care of business.

Express yourself: Make your partner feel secure in your love so they can open up to you and express feelings and ideas without fear of being attacked or judged. Otherwise they shut down because they fear you will come at them with an argument or hurt feelings and the silent treatment.

Be with them when you are with them: Keep your mind in the moment -- not at work, thinking about the person who gave you a hard time at work, or all the work you could be getting done while you are just enjoying time with your partner. I'm sure you have been to a restaurant where the gentleman is on the cell phone the whole dinner, while his lovely lady is sitting there staring off into space. Or the reverse can be true. It happens enough now. You are with him or her, not talking to your friends or doing business.

Keep looking good: Take the time to stay in shape and look good for each other. It does matter. Sometimes people think they can slack off once they are in a relationship. They stop shaving, don't wash, wear ill-fitting clothes. This can take its toll on romance.

Enjoy each other's differences: Unhappy couples focus on the ways they are different. Happy couples focus on their similarities and think their differences are interesting. Allow each other to be individuals and don't expect to be siamese twins with the same opinions and favorite activities.

Find solutions instead of blame: Problem-solve together, and in a loving way solve your problems together instead of pointing fingers at each other and getting out all your ammunition for the big war.

Get it on: Make time for sex or it will be swamped by all the stuff you need to do to survive, take care of business, and just maintain your life.

Tell it like it is: Don't expect to read each others' minds. Always clear up misunderstandings to make sure they don't throw you both off course.

Time out: Me-time is good. Even in the closest relationship, everyone needs time alone. Don't make each other feel guilty if you need to spend time alone or with your friends.

All of the above should be easy, right? But like the Ten Commandments, they are easy but many people find them difficult to follow. However, there is no doubt that if people would pay attention to these precepts, the happiness rate would go up and the strife in relationships would go down. The divorce rate would go down and children would not have to deal with the aftermath of broken marriages.

Not Everyone is Meant to be in a Relationship

As lacking in compassion as it may sound, I believe that not everyone is emotionally equipped to be in a loving, happy relationship. I am not talking about romantic, sexually charged, fantasy escapades. They're great and life would be dull without them. I am talking about a relationship that stands the test of time.

In my books, The Dirty Seven: Ladies Beware and Booby Trapped: Men Beware the Dirty Seven Sisters, I point out dead-enders on the dating scene. They do not have what it takes to sustain a happy, fulfilling relationship. They may look and behave all right on a date and even during the fantasy stage of the courting ritual, but after that: LOOK OUT!

You will more than pay for the pleasure of their company with hours of regret as well as much cash.

I realize this is not what some people want to hear. They would rather create a dream than face up to the fact that not everyone is meant to be a life partner; just as not everyone is meant to be a parent.

The problem is compounded when one of the Dirty Sevens becomes a parent. So the subject is not as light as we might think.

The subject of dating and relationships seems light until we see how many lives have been set back or ruined because of an unwise choice of a mate.